Home Relationship Advice Seriously: Can We Talk About Sex? A Lot Of Men & Women Are Getting It Wrong & Hurt Out There. Here’s Why!
Seriously: Can We Talk About Sex? A Lot Of Men & Women Are Getting It Wrong & Hurt Out There. Here’s Why!

Seriously: Can We Talk About Sex? A Lot Of Men & Women Are Getting It Wrong & Hurt Out There. Here’s Why!

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Sex is always a sensitive and difficult subject to talk about when dating. There’s no getting around it, dating and sex are indistinguishably connected. Even for people whose religious beliefs insist on them taking their time, setting boundaries, waiting for marriage, sex is still on people’s minds and a matter of importance for discussion.

For many in the dating world, some view sex as test of compatibility or chemistry. If things don’t work out, sexually speaking up front, some think there’s no point in going further. For some, they’re just using sex for their own personal satisfaction, whether the relationship goes anywhere or not. No matter how you look at it, sex is an important component of any healthy relationship. If there are issues in the bedroom, they can later manifest somewhere else, and your relationship will probably never be as solid as it could be. Therefore, yes, it is important to find someone who is your sexual match, not just your dating match. If you have certain sexual desires, you might be better off finding someone who matches those desires. If you’re not into sex as much, or your lifestyle doesn’t make much time for sex, then finding someone who is really into sex and having a lot of it wouldn’t be such a great match for you.

Sexual compatibility, intimacy and romance are all very important aspects to finding someone who is their ideal match. At some point in the relationship, if these areas are not met, problems could soon arise, which might lead to temptations outside the relationship or worse, ending it before it could ever get started. Sexual intimacy is just one way some people choose to express their emotions and love for the other person they’re in love with.

What’s also important is to discuss when and how frequently sex occurs in the relationship during the early stages. While women should feel empowered and free of old stigmas where sex is concerned, it’s still important for her NOT to sleep with a man on the first date. Why? Because that diminishes his desire to chase after her. “I scored and fast! Who’s next?”

Yes, all men want to sleep with a woman on the first date and as many as they can. They’re sexually driven beings. Are you, ladies, as sexually driven as a man to get what you want? Think about it for a moment. Do you use sex to get what you want? If you do, are you getting what you want? Do you even KNOW what you want?

Certainly, women do use their bodies to get what they want, or at least advertising and public relation firms do. Just look at all the ads you see everywhere. Sex sells, right? There’s sex on TV, in music, in clothing catalogs, food and beverage commercials, etc. Sex is everywhere, but sex should never be for sale.

So, ladies, why don’t you use your body to get EXACTLY what you want, but do it in a way that doesn’t give up the milk first before the cow is purchased. I know, it’s an old saying, right? There’s another old saying that makes a lot of sense, too, and it goes like this, “Women used to trade sex for security (from men); while men promised security (to women) in exchange for sex.” A simple, basic exchange. Hence, what is marriage about or coupling up. “I promise to be yours, exclusively. Will you have sex with me now?” Something like that. Of course, there’s more to gain for both men and women from being in a relationship together … security, companionship, help, warmth, a best friend, etc. Go ahead and add to my list.

The reason why women shouldn’t be sleeping with men on the first date is to help arouse their desire to chase after them long enough for her to really get to know his intentions with her. If she allows him to score on the first date, what more does he have to do to win her heart and go the distance with her in a long-term relationship? Nothing! Women have to ask themselves: Do they want (1) sex first and a relationship HOPEFULLY second, or (2) a relationship first, and as much sex with the same man as possible inside a steady relationship? If you don’t have time for the cat ‘n’ mouse game of going on 20-50 dates per year to find a steady guy, then consider your options for how to keep him.

Ladies, don’t end his chase for you too soon. Don’t cave in to his desires, as strong as they may be. Sure, use your sexuality to inflame his desire for you, heightening his interest your way. While you spend time together, non-sexually, getting to know each other. Allow the bond between you both to grow until you reach the point where you two decide you want something WITH each other, not FROM each other. Alas, a relationship is sparked! That said, if women really want a man and would like to build a long-term relationship with him, it’s vital they do not sleep with him early on in the dating stages.

Both men and women need to adhere to this very sound advice. There’s no gain for either male or female to be having sex early in a relationship unless they both desire to have sex at that time Then, just be aware of the other PROS and CONSequenses of having sex too soon.

Many men will say if he has sex with a woman on the first date, chances are there might not be a second date. He got his fix, he’s grateful, and it’s back to work (or his life). Why does he feel this way? Because men are hunters. Once the hunt is over, he’s back to his daily life and routine. Can you blame him? If enough women put out on the fist date and don’t make men work to win their hearts in exchange for what they want (i.e., a long-term relationship), guess what? No man will marry her and women all over the world will be on their own to grow old alone because they didn’t engage their minds with their bodies to engage his mind with his body and in the right order.

Oh, I think that’s what’s happening now! More women are single today than ever before, right? More women are NOT getting married by the time they’re 25–35 years old. It’s not that they don’t want to be married; it’s just that fewer men are asking. Why? Because they don’t have to marry the girl in order to get what they want = SEX! Why is this happening? Blame it on the feminist movement for pushing women to act more like men, Hollywood for pushing sex on everyone without building a relationship first, heavily marketed sexual B.S. in ads you see everywhere, social engineering through public schools and government, we’re living longer so people marry later, careers are more the focus versus starting a family in some cases, men acting like boys (i.e., not growing up), financial reasons, and more. You get the idea. We’re a mess right now, folks!

If people are so interested in going “organic” or “holistic” with their food and medicine, then how about going “nature’s way” with how men and women are supposed to interact with one other? That is, men chase women, women lure men with their teasing and natural female sensuality, they dialogue, go on dates, discuss endless topics for hours/days on end, until one day, they know each other well enough to say, “Wow, I can see us spending a lot more time together. What are you doing for the next, say, 40 years?” Of course, no one talks like that today. When was the last time you heard someone say, “This is my boyfriend/girlfriend?” When was the last time you heard young people even talk about DATING! Dating? What’s that! Exactly! What has our society come to? I said it earlier, I’ll say it again, “Society is messed up, folks.”

Ladies, the lesson here is, try not to let the helium out of your hot air balloon (i.e., give away the opportunity to have sex with you or potential for a rising relationship) too soon). Take responsibility for your own LIFE and don’t take the mystery, chase or challenge away from a man if you want him to give you what you ultimately want (i.e., a long-term relationship with all the sex you can handle as a loving bonus). Isn’t that what you really want?

The more women let men chase them, the more they’ll respect the women they chase. Like an animal outsmarting the hunter. The hunter gains respect for the animal for which he is pursuing. Not that women are animals, it’s an analogy, You get the idea. We, men, like to get a little animalistic and territorial in the bedroom and ravage you like a tiger every now and then, if that’s all right with you.

By allowing men to chase you, you’re actually drawing his heart closer to you. Something, every woman should want.

Sadly, playing hard-to-get like this does have its limits. That is, the longer you make him chase you, the more disinterested he may become because he may grow to feel you’re not attracted to him. Why does he want to have sex with you? Because he’s attracted to you. Why would you have sex with him? Because you’re attracted to him. How can you tame his sexual advances while you get to know him? By flirting with him, teasing him, kissing, hugging, some fondling never hurts later on when you feel mutually comfortable, have sex. These things keep a man interested in you, sexually, while you interview his brain, find out his intentions and try to secure his heart for yourself in what you hope to be a solid, monogamous relationship going forward. That sounds like the makings for a good marriage, doesn’t it? That’s what you ultimately want, right? It’s okay, you can say it to yourself. You don’t have to say it out loud, just yet.

Now, ladies, if you do make a man wait too long, he may decide to hunt for his gal in another field leaving you behind with no one to chase after you until the next man comes along. Wow, all that time, energy and questioning down the drain. How many dates will you go on this year allowing this to happen? What does a woman do then to make sure she doesn’t turn a guy away? As with the man, he too should take some responsibility to discuss matters of a relationship, sex in the relationship, and how you both feel about all that. If you’ve both been in relationships before, where sex was involved, you should be knowledgeable enough to have these discussions after several dates. Again, these discussions should be had when you’re comfortable talking about sex and before you engage in a sexual relationship.

One thing you might do is fantasize, what I call sexually-erotic adventures in your minds with each other. I talked about this and how to create them in my book, Laws Of The Bedroom: What Women Want Inside And Outside Of The Bedroom. See Chapter 6: What To Do Before Making Love. It’s about storytelling romantic and erotic adventures until you both become more comfortable with each other in ways where your bodies don’t ever touch (i.e., a good thing, early on in the dating cycle), and yet you learn so much about each other … likes, dislikes, things you’ve tried before or would like to try, but never have, etc.) This newly gained information makes your first time in bed together so much more fabulous and relaxing because you’ve already been inside each other’s head imagining what sex with him/her will be like. If you think about it, if all sexual acts became memories, and the more sex you have, the more memories you have and the wiser you about sex, then why not go on several storytelling erotic adventures to work up to your first real physical, sexual experience together. Trust me when I tell you that this works. You both will love it. You’ve got nothing to lose by trying it, but use your head … in a good way!

Now, this question begs an answer: ”How long should you wait to have sex when dating someone?” Religious experts (and parents) would say wait until you’re married to have sex. The reason for that is they don’t want you to mess up your life before it gets started or cloud your mind and spirit that can occur when having sex with multiple partners only to eventually find the ONE you’ll fall in love with and potentially marry. “Save yourself for the one you plan to spend your life with.” The history of that suggestion lies in the fact that men and women were getting married as young as 16-19 back in the day, and the IUD, Pill and PLAN B weren’t around to fix (or prevent) a mistake (unintended pregnancy) from happening. Prepare your heart and ideally wait to have sex before marriage to be a virgin on your wedding day. This applies to men, too.

Years ago, such precautions made sense. Today, people are living much longer and contraceptives and birth control do their part (99% of the time) to prevent unexpected pregnancies and so forth. What’s not accounted for is the MENTAL STATE sex leaves on the minds of both men and women. So, the answer, to, “How long should you wait to have sex?” Certain relationship experts say 90 days is a good period to wait before you hop between the sheets to do the horizontal bop. Everybody’s different. Discussions are different. People’s values, readiness and their urge to merge are different. Even if you waited 90 days, it’s what happens before, during and after the act of sex that everyone must REALLY keep in mind. SEX IS A HEAVILY EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ACTIVITY that creates memories in the brain that can have long-lasting effects on those involved … positively and negatively. Waiting 90 days isn’t going to change that.

What 90 days does do is hopefully form the foundation of what will become a bond between the man and the woman for when sex does happen, IF an accident were to happen, both the man and the woman should be wise enough to say, “You know, I think I care for you enough to really spend my life with you …” Again, every relationship is different, and the choice individuals make within that relationship should be a decision made by both. Just know, if either of you (man/woman) want to build a lasting relationship, you should hold off on getting together sexually if you both want a better chance at romance and lasting love.

Guys, you should know by now, to be kind to your dates, and pull back from pressuring her to have sex in the early stages of your dating. Besides, it comes across as aggressive, sleazy, selfish, single-minded and even manipulative. Don’t even talk about sex or refer to having sex or what she likes about sex on several first dates. If all you want is sex, you can forget about looking for it through traditional dating rituals, activities or services.

Both men and women should be clear about what they want out of the date, a relationship, and if sex is desired, was it already agreed upon? For example, did you meet each other on BootyCallsRUs.com or ImNakedComeOverNow.com or through some other casual encounters advertisement? Otherwise, it should be safe to assume you and your date are looking for a potential relationship and not a fast roll in the hay. “Wham bam, thank you ma’am. See ya!”

It’s true, the greater the anticipation for when you both eventually do have sex, the greater the fulfillment and the experience is for the two of you. Why not? You both took your time, you shared numerous erotic adventures together, you shared your likes and dislikes and pleasing one another verbally, only for the time to come when you both consummated your commitment to each other in the first act of bonding … becoming ONE together in your first sexual act.

How good will your first sexual experience be together? That depends on experience, communication, taking things slow, trial and error (and loving to work on those errors together), and patience (or time in the saddle/bed). The more you do it, the better you become. Simple as that. No one can read minds, so talk things out. “What would you me to do to you, honey? Can I suggest something we do together? Here, move this way … There ya go! I promise you’ll love this. Now, close your eyes … How’s that feel? Remember how you felt so I can do it to you again like this if you want me to.”

Believe it or not, there’s much more about this subject inside my book, FIND THE ONE FOR ME. For example, I go right into what you should think and do about sex and when to have it on the first date and thereafter for your protection. If you want to know what I have to say about it, it’s inside my book.

BART'S BOOKS ARE AVAILABLE IN PRINT, EBOOK & AUDIO FORMAT Find The One For Me by Bart Smith 251+ Dating & Relationship Regrets by Bart SmithLaws Of The Bedroom by Bart SmithB.S. The Book by Bart Smith

“IF you don’t have my books yet, or the audio version of them to soak in all this knowledge into your love life, then you’re missing out on A LOT! You owe it to yourself and the one you love to acquire this knowledge! I know I wouldn't live my life without it, and neither should you! Contact me if you have any questions about my books/audio.” — Bart Smith, Author

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About Bart Smith, Founder / Author

FIND THE ONE FOR ME and LAWS OF THE BEDROOM™ author, Bart Smith, shares his outlooks on life, experiences, romantic philosophies, deep research and sharp observations in the areas of healthy, loving and happy relationships.

His intent? To encourage every man and woman to have high levels of optimism that there REALLY IS SOMEONE out there for EVERYONE! He believes that with the right preparation and open communication, singles using the principles found inside FIND THE ONE FOR ME will be empowered with new dating skills and the art of finding the ONE for them to love and be loved.

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Check out some of Bart's books on business, motivation, networking, coaching, checklists, and personal development.

Check out some of Bart's books on business, motivation, networking, coaching, checklists, and personal development.


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